March Comes in Like a Dermatologist and Goes Out Like a Genetic Counselor
Today, I went back to see Dr. Singh because the radiation burns, which seemed as though they had been healing prior to the Tamoxifen, have returned to nearly the same raw, painful state I was in when I saw him the first time back in January, but without the blisters. I'd been trying to use the steroid cream, but it seemed to be making it worse, so I stopped. In fact, even the most harmless stuff (Vaseline) seemed to be aggravating it. On Saturday and Sunday, the only thing I put on that area of skin was corn starch baby powder, just to keep it from chafing while walking/moving around.
Using a large magnifying loupe (as is typical with his examinations), Dr. Singh took a look at all the affected tissue under the left breast. He said that the skin cells are not becoming normal cells. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but he said the area isn't healing properly from the radiation.
He prescribed a stronger steroid ointment, Clobetasol, and put me back on the Mupirocin, which is burning already as I write this. Dr. Singh said one week on, next week off for the steroid for a month, and then we'll check in again.
Aside from the physical pain, I'm frustrated and feel like I can't move forward with this part of my life because that area just won't heal. I knew it would be a slog, but I didn't expect that it would get painful, swollen, and itchy all over again, especially after seeing so much improvement. It's upsetting and disappointing.
Thankfully, the headaches are much improved. Saturday was the first day in 8 that I didn't have a headache (have had 1 since). On the other side of that coin, the neurologist doubled the dose of Ubrelvy and increased the quantity (they get doled out in sets of 10). My insurance promptly placed that prescription on hold and required a preapproval for it. There's paperwork trading hands and hopefully that will be cleared up soon because I only have one dose left. I have a telemedicine appointment with the neuro on Thursday to talk through other options.
Speaking of other options, my March calendar is pretty full of doctor calls and visits having to do with the cancer recurrence prevention plan. I'm trying to be sanguine about the situation, but it's a bit overwhelming to have that many visits/calls already mapped out.
During the period from September through January, my life was this runaway train of procedures, surgery, radiation, and side effects while living at a survival-first pace. Now that things have slowed for a bit so that I can heal, I'm catching up with the emotional piece of being a person being treated for cancer.
Something that's become clear from talks with friends recently is that I've been feeling two-dimensional. My conversations tend to focus on this damn cancer and its damnable treatments (although more often than not, you will hear me say "F'ing cancer!" but it's not "f'ing").
I feel like I need to yell at the top of my lungs, "I am more than my cancer!"
When I recently had the experience of mentoring Rutgers archives students, I felt more like myself than I have in a good while. The person I am, this multifaceted human, is still here. And, I'm glad that the next breast cancer support group meeting is tomorrow evening.
As always, I'm grateful for your kindness, love, prayers, good vibes, magical thinking, and righteous indignation on my behalf. For those who have contributed wool, I thank you greatly for giving my hands somthing to do while I await doctors, sit in meetings, and watch TV (I'm nearly done with a project I've been working on for a bit and will post photos when it's complete). I especially enjoy the very silly emails, private messages, masked walks, and long conversations that cover a hundred different topics (other than cancer).
Don't forget to get screened. Early detection is key.
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